I have always believed that politeness is honourable, and at a minimum, a good thing to pursue: I was raised to treat others as you would want to be treated, and all my cousins have been brought up this way as well. People both in United States and United Kingdom, and in nations beyond them, appreciate small words of courtesy such as “please” and “thank you” (or the equivalent in other languages), and often despair when these terms are forgotten or perceived to be on the decline. These small words then become great gestures.
Manners are not merely limited to words: they apply to actions as well. As an example, whenever I have entered a building and there is someone right behind me, I have held the door open for them rather than let it shut behind me in their face; and the usual response is a “thank you”, a smile, or a nod, and in all the other cases no response at all. Other people have done this for me, and I am appreciative. Another example is pulling out a chair for someone so they can sit next to you (providing that is where they wanted to sit), as I have done for people and people have done for me. In every case, these actions were done in the best of faith.
Consequently, I was astounded the day I learned that there are people who deem the above behaviour to be rude, at the very least. I could not believe it when I heard that some people do consider every instance of “please” and “thank you” to be phony, or nothing more than sarcasm and/or a need for the person saying them to impress others and feel “validated”. Worse yet, in regards to holding a door open for the person right behind you, there were some who thought that anyone who did this was either a creep or had some ulterior motive, such as trying to rob the person they held the door open for of being able to do something without the aid of anyone else (this view is downright bizarre). These opinions were not limited to “please”/”thank you” or door opening: it was being applied to all acts of common courtesy. It seemed that these people were not only declining to assume good intentions on behalf of others: they were actually assuming the worst intentions possible.
Now I can certainly understand how in some cases saying “thank you” or holding a door could be considered rude. If someone says “thank you” sarcastically to a person who unintentionally inconvenienced them, that is rude; and if someone barges through a lengthy line of people just to open a door for them all, that does come across as pompous and as shouting to everyone else “Look at me! I’m polite! I opened this door for you!”…which is totally the opposite of polite. However, such occurrences are not commonplace, and the vast majority of people are genuinely polite, not trying to impress or get into the good books of others. I even agree that over-saying “please”/”thank you” and insisting on opening every door or pulling out every chair for people could be annoying, but such a person only needs to be taught to moderate their behaviour, assuming they are being genuine with their actions.
That last sentence brings me onto my final point: there are people who also equate mere courtesy and helpfulness as a sign of someone’s weakness, especially if a person is overdoing it (going back to the “validated” comment before), and try to use their manners against them. I am opposed to this, as having civility and good manners does not equal being a doormat, for a person can still be resolute and/or disagree without being obnoxious. If anything, a firm yet civil stance on something is far more commendable and preferable than accusatory or angry disagreement. I know I can say no when I have to, but I can do so politely, and firmly if it becomes necessary.
The bright side to all of this is that these negative viewpoints on common courtesy are a minority and do not appear to be catching on. In every debate I have encountered on manners, the majority of participants want them to endure and even to become even more prevalent in society: the important point is just to remember to be courteous with confidence, and not to overdo it or to come across as fake or weak.
At the present time, no one has complained to me about courtesy (just the opposite, in fact), but if and when they do, I will be sure not to end up proving one of the aforementioned points.
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